The word empathy has become such a common buzzword in recent years that many people don’t know what it actually means, nonetheless what it really takes to work on their empathy skill set.
Furthermore, because the word gets thrown around so casually, like vulnerability, self-awareness, and personal growth, people may actually skim over the deep self-reflection it really takes to embody and embrace these skills in order to have more fulfilling relationships and success.
At its core, empathy is the ability to emotionally understand what other people feel, see things from their point of view, and imagine yourself in their place.
Developing empathy skills can lead to more fulfilling relationships, better communication, more meaningful interactions, and increased understanding and connection with others.
One of the best gifts I received from formal, professional coach training is learning about the different levels of listening. Even though it’s been over a decade since I took my first coach training, the levels of listening have stayed with me.
Understanding the levels of listening is not just for coaches though. It is a powerful distinction to help all people who have a desire to grow their empathy skills and to create better relationships both personally and professionally.
Level 1 Listening is listening for the sake of yourself. This includes sharing your own experience, your feelings, and your perspectives based on what the other person has shared.
It can include thinking about what you want to say while the other person is speaking or thinking about what you can say to make a really good impression.
Level 1 Listening does not really build empathy skills as you are not attempting to learn how the other person feels or exploring the perspective of how the other person views the situation.
For example:
Person 1: Ugh, I had the most stressful day at work today!
Person 2: Tell me about it, so did I! There was an accident on the freeway which made me late to work. Then, I spilled coffee on myself while walking into the office. When I got to my desk, my coworker texted me that our meeting had been moved to an hour earlier and it was now in-person instead of online!
Person 1: Oh.
Person 2: So yeah, I totally know how you feel!
In this exaggerated and hopefully humorous example of Level 1 Listening, Person 2 is not really listening to Person 1 at all. Person 2 used Person 1’s conversation prompt to talk about himself.
While this example was a bit extreme for effect, many people’s default is Level 1 Listening.
Many people make the “mistake” of thinking that Level 1 Listening builds empathy when it does not. Level 1 Listening is not listening to gain a deeper understanding of the other person, it is waiting for your turn to talk.
Level 2 Listening is listening for the sake of the other person. This includes asking about their experience, their feelings, and their perspectives based on how they see the world.
Level 2 Listening directly helps build the empathy skill set as the actual definition of empathy is about emotionally understanding how the other person feels, what their point of view is, and imagining yourself in their place.
For example:
Person 1: Ugh, I had the most stressful day at work today!
Person 2: Oh no! What happened?
Person 1: There was an accident on the freeway which made me late to work. Then, I spilled coffee on myself while walking into the office. When I got to my desk, my coworker texted me that our meeting had been moved to an hour earlier and it was now in-person instead of online!
Person 2: Oh my gosh, what did you do?
Person 1: Well luckily, the meeting was just across the street and I still had fifteen minutes to spare. So I cleaned myself up in the bathroom and headed over.
Person 2: Ah, sounds like a lot happened. How are you feeling now?
Person 1: Well, I was totally stressed and overwhelmed when it happened. But after I rushed over to the meeting and sat down, I was able to calm down. And the meeting ended up being pretty productive. And now that I’m talking about the crazy start to my day, I feel a lot better. I can laugh about it now!
As you can see, Person 2 in the second example is deliberately practicing the true definition of the empathy skill set. They are actively in Level 2 Listening and furthering the conversation to seek understanding of Person 1’s experience, perspectives, and feelings.
Both levels of listening are important and useful in conversation. The ability to be aware of which level of listening you are using and intentionally using both can elevate the quality of your communication with others.
Level 1 Listening can be useful in building rapport and relatability, but it should be used sparingly. Those who are in Level 1 Listening the majority of the time run the risk of creating one-sided conversations where it’s all about them.
If you are actively working on improving your empathy skill set, then deliberately practicing Level 2 Listening will be of particular benefit for you.
Here are some ways to practice Level 2 Listening to improve your empathy skills:
- Be Fully Present
Focus your attention entirely on the person speaking without interrupting or thinking about your response. If you find yourself slipping into Level 1 Listening (eg. wanting to share something about yourself), pivot back to Level 2 Listening by listening with the intention of understanding their experience.
Minimize distractions such as checking your phone or multitasking while listening to someone. Show that you value their time and input by giving them your full attention.
- Ask Open-Ended Questions
Encourage the other person to share more about their thoughts, feelings, and experiences by asking questions that require more than a simple yes or no answer.
For example:
What was that experience like for you?
What did that feel like?
What thoughts were going through your head?
- Reflect Back
Summarize what the person has said to show that you understand and validate their feelings and perspectives without judgment. This can include repeating key points or paraphrasing their words.
- Cultivate Curiosity
Approach conversations with a genuine curiosity to learn more about the other person’s experiences and perspectives. Avoid making assumptions or jumping to conclusions. Level 2 Listening supports the well-known principle: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
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