Gaslighting in Coaching and Leadership
Gaslighting in Coaching and Leadership
Picture this: a kindergartner is drawing a colorful picture of the beach, with waves, sun, and sand, completely absorbed in the joy of creating. Then a classmate walks by and rips it up.
Naturally, he’s upset. The teacher comes over. Now imagine the teacher says, “Well, how did you co-create this situation?” or “What’s another way to look at this?”
I know this story is overly simplified, but I share it to make a point. Coaching is about opening perspectives. But here’s the spiky question: when does perspective-giving cross the line into making someone doubt their own experience?
This is the essence of gaslighting—subtly or sometimes unintentionally making someone doubt their own experience, perception, or feelings. Hearing Tamica Sears speak about this at the ICF Converge conference, particularly in the context of workplace discrimination and institutional betrayal, inspired me to think more deeply about how the same dynamics can show up in coaching and leadership, even when the intent is well-meaning.
Even well-meaning coaches and leaders can gaslight someone when they offer perspective before validating experience. I’ve experienced this firsthand. In a group setting, I spoke up about systemic racial bias I observed. The gist of the response I received was, “Maybe this is inner work you still need to do.” While well-intentioned and not entirely inaccurate, the comment still minimized the harm I felt and left me questioning my concerns.
It gets even trickier. Speaking up can feel scary. You worry about looking overreactive or too sensitive, and you wonder if others will dismiss your perspective. That fear keeps many people silent. Even when you do speak up about feeling ignored or gaslit, it’s worse if the other person insists they are not gaslighting you. Suddenly, you feel doubly invalidated, questioning your perception, your right to speak, and even your own feelings.
This is why awareness, restraint, and validation are critical in coaching and leadership.
To be clear, this is not a denial of personal responsibility. Leaders and coaches still need to hold themselves accountable. The point is to recognize when “personal responsibility” is being used as a weapon, a shield, or a deflection that dismisses another person’s experience instead of holding space for it.
Here’s the deeper truth: this often happens not because someone is malicious, but because they don’t know how to confront uncomfortable truths about themselves or the system they’re part of. Defaulting to self-reflective questions can shift the burden back to the person sharing, leaving them feeling unseen and unheard.
So how do we avoid this trap?
Acknowledge first. Validate the experience before offering perspective. “I hear this upset you, and it makes sense you’re frustrated.”
Apologize when necessary. If your words or actions unintentionally minimized someone’s experience, say, “I realize my comment minimized your experience, and I’m sorry for that.” This isn’t about admitting malice; it’s about holding space for their truth and repairing trust.
Offer perspective as a choice. Suggest ways to see or handle a situation, and let the person determine what feels right for them.
Check intent versus impact. Ask yourself: Am I helping them see options, or making them feel wrong for feeling what they feel?
Explore, don’t blame. Questions should expand awareness, not assign fault.
Hold space. Sometimes leadership and coaching are strongest in silence, giving people room to process rather than pushing solutions.
The takeaway: Emotional intelligence isn’t just skill; it’s responsibility and restraint. The best leaders and coaches know when to guide, when to challenge, and when to simply witness.
Gaslighting doesn’t require intent. Even well-meaning words or questions can make someone doubt their own experience if their feelings are not acknowledged first. It often happens when we don’t know how to handle our own discomfort. That line is worth watching.
The real test is whether we can create space for truth, validation, and growth without making someone doubt themselves. It can feel scary to speak up, but that’s exactly why holding that space courageously is so important. The people sharing their truth need to feel seen, heard, and respected rather than questioned, minimized, or dismissed.