The Hidden Selfishness of Craving Vulnerability from Others
In groups where vulnerability is celebrated — in coaching circles, masterminds, leadership retreats — something interesting happens.
Someone shares something raw.
Someone else holds space.
And then, the craving begins.
“I want to see more of you.”
“I wish you would open up more.”
“I’ve shown you my heart — now show me yours.”
It sounds like a desire for connection. But sometimes… it’s not.
Sometimes it’s a subtle, socially acceptable demand to be met emotionally — without consent.
Sometimes it’s about making their discomfort your responsibility.
Sometimes, it’s emotional selfishness wrapped in the language of intimacy.
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Let’s be honest…
We don’t always crave vulnerability because we want to support someone.
Sometimes we crave it because:
We feel exposed and want someone else to match our level of discomfort.
We’ve shared something scary and want the reassurance of “me too.”
We’re looking for reciprocity where none was promised.
But here’s the hard truth: craving someone else’s vulnerability often comes from privilege — the luxury of expecting others to meet you on your terms.
Your cultural relationship with vulnerability shapes what feels “edgy” or “safe.”
What feels risky or raw to you may feel normal, reserved, or even inappropriate to someone from another background.
If you get frustrated that someone isn’t opening up like you want, it’s not just impatience — it’s entitlement. You’re unconsciously saying, “I deserve to have you show up the way I want you to.”
Vulnerability isn’t currency to be exchanged tit-for-tat.
It’s a gift, not a debt.
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For leaders and coaches especially…
People often project their need for intimacy or safety onto you.
When you don’t reveal much — when you’re composed, private, or discerning — they might call it guardedness.
They might say, “I just want more of you.”
But here’s the truth:
You don’t owe your vulnerability to anyone.
Especially not to make someone else feel comfortable.
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A Reflection
Vulnerability can lead to connection — but each person’s journey and timeline is their own.
If you find yourself frustrated by someone else’s perceived guardedness, that frustration is a mirror. Ask yourself:
Am I craving their vulnerability to soothe my own discomfort?
Am I trying to pull someone toward me rather than meeting them where they are?
Is my “need” for connection really about me, not them?
How is my culture, background, or privilege shaping my expectations?
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True leadership, emotional intelligence, and deep connection start here: noticing your impulses, acknowledging your privilege and entitlement, and separating your needs from the real needs of others.
That’s where you create space for authentic connection — without pressure, without expectation, and without pretending that vulnerability is a debt to be repaid.