What Defensiveness Feels Like to Others
Defensiveness is one of the most common barriers in leadership.
Recently, I was leading an off-site session with a leadership team. Some of the leaders became visibly defensive as they reviewed written feedback pointing out that they often come across that way.
What was fascinating—and a little ironic—was that they were being defensive about being defensive, yet still couldn’t fully see or acknowledge it in the moment.
As a leader, defensiveness might feel like protecting your ideas or standing your ground.
But to those around you, defensiveness can feel very different:
- Like their input isn’t valued or welcome
- Like walking on eggshells, afraid to speak up
- Like conversations shut down before they even start
- Like frustration, dismissal, or resistance behind the scenes
When defensiveness shows up, it creates distance, even if unintentionally.
It can silence innovation, erode trust, and make collaboration feel unsafe.
Why do leaders get defensive?
Often, it’s rooted in fear: fear of being challenged, misunderstood, or vulnerable.
But true leadership comes from presence, not protection.
Reflection Questions:
- How do you know when you’re feeling defensive?
- When you feel defensive, what messages might you be sending to your team?
- How do you create space for open dialogue, even when the feedback is tough?
- What might your team be holding back because of how you respond under pressure?
Leadership isn’t about being right all the time.
It’s about how you show up when things get hard.
It’s also about how you make others feel when things get hard.
The way you handle defensiveness can either build bridges—or walls.
And here’s a final caution: when defensiveness turns into denial, it blocks growth completely.
It shuts down honest feedback and makes change impossible.
How will you choose to respond the next time defensiveness shows up—in yourself or others?